Round & Round & Round I Go

I started my 43rd trip around the sun today.   This post is probably going to be a bunch of blathering and dithering.  I just am so dissatisfied.   Not in a scary, we need to worry about her, kind of way.   Just in a, when this Covid thing is over I really need to think about my life kind of way.   Maybe I'll go into therapy.   I don't know.  

I don't follow through on anything.  I keep starting books and not finishing them, I keep trying to lose weight and not following through - EVEN when I find something that WORKS.  I just stop.  I can't even commit to using a planner to help me keep on track to accomplishing something.  Anything.  It was said to me today that I crochet.  I've completed nothing that wasn't for someone else.  I've roughly a dozen pieces in progress.  From days, weeks, years, DECADES ago.  

I've been working from home for six or seven weeks giving me loads of extra time and literally proving the excuses I make for not getting stuff done to be completely baseless and without merit.   Meaning it's just me.  I'm just apparently, completely lazy.   I seem to have literally NO self motivation and I don't know why.   Fear of failure?  Fear of success?  No self confidence or self esteem?   I have no idea.   Or I probably do.  It's probably all of it.   

I'm fine, like I'm not on a ledge or anything.   I'm just feeling really very insignificant.   I have so much life evaluating to do.   I need to get to the "why" behind all of this.   Why do I not complete things?  Why do I self-sabotage?  Why do I just not do things that I know need done?   There's got to be some universal why behind all of it and I've no idea what it is or how to figure it out.   I just keep letting time pass and having literally nothing to show for it.  The years keep going by faster and on this day every year I've got nothing to point to and say, Man!  I did THAT this year!   I always think, I'm going to do X this year and it's going to be great and next year I'll have something to show for the last 12 months.  And then I get here and I've still done nothing.   

It sucks.   It really does.  I know this is such a downer.   But I just want to be better.   I don't want another 12 months to pass me by and still have nothing to show for it.  

And in the world of irrelevancy I bring you... this blog!

So clearly my plans, and everyone's, have been substantially changed.    I'm not leaving for Texas in 5 days, obviously.   That booked trip has been cancelled.  Working in the office... cancelled.  Going out to eat... cancelled.   All cancelled quicker than a YouTuber who goes on a racial tirade.  The world is crazy right now as we all know.  I've worked at home since March 20th, stopped eating so many fast food meals and wearing pants.    I am definitely among the lucky, though.  My husband and I are safe and healthy and both working.   It's more than can be said for many, so I'm not complaining.   I'm just...  changing my expectations. 

Also derailed by all that's gone on is what I hoped would be the midpoint of my weight loss/fitness journey right now.   Spoiler alert, it's not.   With the gym closed and it being a bit more difficult to keep stocked up on perishable - healthy - food in the house, I've definitely been struggling.   As in, I've lost nothing.   Nothing.   I'm trying to be understanding with myself about it.  My job is 50 times more stressful being done remotely.  I'm the first one to be excited about a work from home snow day in my jammies.   But this?   I think it would be nice a couple times a week.   Not every day, though, I don't think. 

In an effort to still try to be better and take my mind off of the brand new roll of toilet paper that was lost when a cat knocked it into the sink and someone in my house who doesn't turn on the bathroom light at night turned on the bathroom sink, I did cave to the FB advertisement for Figure 8 Fitness.   Today was Day 2 and while I know it was only day 2?  I love it.    So excited about it. 

So instead of packing for Texas, I'm learning the Pasodoble.   Instead of looking forward to a couple days in San Antonio with my friend as we go down from Dallas, I'm Samba-ing. 

I'm so sore.  And I've only done 2 tutorial videos.   This is going to be rough.  But it's so fun. 

It's Not Ok - STOP IT

I'm in a mood today.  Stand back.   I've got 3 things I'm incensed over.   Two of them are related and are what I'm going to go into here.   The other is unrelated and personal to someone other than me, so it is not going to be gone into here, but let me tell you, it's fueling my overall sense of generally being indignant. 

Today I was listening to the radio on my way home while I was waiting for my phone to come back to life so I could go back to listening to Generation Why about the murder of Sarah Cherry back in 1988.   So, so sad. 

At any rate I was listening to 94.1 WIP in Philly which is Sports Radio.   The show that is on when I'm coming home is Jon Marks and Ike Reese.   I love Ike Reese and what was said, at least while I was listening, was said by Jon Marks.   I was so incensed that I turned the radio off (my phone was ready to go) so I don't know if Ike agreed.  In my mind, he did not.   However, I don't know if it was a conversation still based on the asshat that punched the back of the woman's seat on the airplane (HE was in the wrong, by the way.  Fight me.) repeatedly because she reclined it, or if it was caused by something else - but they were talking about the worst people to be stuck next to in an airplane seat.

Given the basis of this blog, you can guess what the NUMBER ONE worst scenario was to be stuck next to on an airplane.  I have talked about how I feel badly that I am a larger person and I always hope the person next to me is a thin, for their sake, and that I'm doing my best before my next flight.   But seriously.   Being next to a large person was NUMBER ONE.   Let me tell you who rated better than people like me.

1.  The person who clips their fingernails.   When you clip your fingernails, they go flying.   People (aka Jon Marks) would rather have someone else's FINGERNAILS land on their person...  fingernails that you have NO WAY of knowing what they have been doing...  picking noses, scratching ass cracks, wiping butts after an unfortunate GI issue where they didn't have time to sing ALL of Yankee Doodle Dandy while washing their hands with soap and hot water and really getting under their nails because they had to rush to get on a flight NEXT TO YOU and shoot their nasty nails all over you.    That person is better to sit next to than a large cleanly person who makes their hygiene a priority and only clips their nails in private. 

2.  The person who removes their shoes and or shoes and socks.  Seriously?  People's dogs be barking after bustling to get to the airport, standing in line at check in, wrangling their luggage, running for the terminal and getting on the plane and sitting next to you (Jon Marks) just to remove their shoes and expose their stank ass Frito feet to the passenger cabin for all to enjoy.  You most of all because you're sitting next to them get to enjoy it the most.  And I hope you do.  I hope you enjoy that much more than sitting next to a large person who, knowing that they're going to be traveling and having to remove and put back on their shoes at the airport, consciously scrubs their feet and deodorizes their feet and is considerate enough to keep even the sorest of feet (from carrying all their extra weight, of course) contained inside their foot prisons until they've made it to the confines and privacy of their final destination.

And 3.   The person with intense gas for the duration of the flight.   The person who, with no regard for anyone who may be in close proximity to them the next day, specifically someone sitting next to them on their flight (Jon Marks), ate questionable Mexican food while shotgunning a case of Tecates at the finale their guys' weekend the night before.   That person who will be sending so many farticles into the air for your whole 4 hour flight that you can swear you can TASTE them, is better to sit next to than a large person who ate sensibly the night before and had just a drink or two knowing that airplanes and certain foods along with excessive alcohol does not make for good flight conditions for them or anyone involved.

Fine.  Noted. 

The second thing that happened today, and this person I'm about to talk about needs no defending by me.  He's a grown man and doesn't need a complete stranger to stand up for him, but this is way bigger than just him.  Shane Dawson was weight shamed.   Effing first of all, the guy is NOT fat.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  What he is, is extremely self conscious about how he looks and has battled eating disorders in the past. 

He put up a video today, which many millions of people, just like me love him and love what he produces and posts and we enjoy him immensely.   He got a comment that said it was sad to see he was gaining weight after working hard to lose it and that it was awful that those around him laughed about it and enabled it.   First, they're not enabling it.  Shane is hilarious.  And while I don't like that he is so self-conscious, I can relate, and the way he goes about his self-depricating is done so that it deflects away from what he is self-conscious about and it's just funny.   When someone says that something, like a pumpkin from Halloween that is still outside on December 5th is all gushy and disgusting and he says "me", it's absolutely hilarious and it shifts what he may perceive to be thoughts about how he looks to just how funny he is. 

That being said, I don't know what possesses people STILL to think that they EVER have the right, the knowledge, or a strong enough personal connection to someone, to comment on something as personal as someone's weight.  It is STAGGERING to me.   With everything that people are offended by now - lots of it justifiably so, some of it just not - the fact that someone's weight is still seen to be something that everyone is just entitled to make comments and judgement on - out loud or in a comments section - is ludicrous.   You don't know them, you don't know their life, you don't know their struggles, you don't know health issues they may be having, you. don't. know. anything.   I'm dealing with this myself because other than the traveling thing, I want to make sure I look better for my parents' party in September so people aren't thinking about how big I am rather than how much better their lives are for knowing my parents. 

So I'm just putting this out there for anyone that STILL doesn't know:

UNLESS YOU HAVE A CLOSE, PERSONAL, CARING RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE AND CAN COME TO THEM FROM A PLACE OF MUTUAL LOVE PURELY OUT OF CONCERN FOR THEIR WELL BEING, IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE, NOR WILL IT EVER BE YOUR PLACE, TO COMMENT TO THEM ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT. 

And that goes for both good and bad.   Someone's lost weight?  Don't comment on that.  You have no idea what may have caused their weight loss.   Tell them their top is beautiful.   Tell them you love their hair.   Compliment them in some way OTHER than their weight. 

Shane was hurt by the comments because it really doesn't matter who you are, how famous you are or aren't, words mean things.  They always will.  It's one of the reasons I love them so much.  And yes, yes, I get that maybe someone shouldn't be so public if they can't take criticism.   But damn, criticize the content being produced, if you must.  I still think it's best to follow the rule we all learned a long time ago that if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all.  That just seems to be too hard for some people and I really just don't get it.   Why can't people just be kind?   It's not hard. 

Just stay in your lane, people.  Mind your business.  Take care of your own flaws.   It will keep you busy enough that you won't have time to point flaws you perceive in others.   Trust me. 

Amy Reads Ep. 3

Ok.  So the weigh less is going well.   I'm down 8lbs for January.   Yay, me.   Unfortunately, I know the biggest part of that is due to stress which is abundant, but at least I'm paid well for it. 

I work on my finances almost every day. 

Let me tell you.   I love Audible.  I really could not love it more.  Two series I can listen to endlessly.  Harry Potter and The All Souls Trilogy.  I can listen to them all the time and never get tired of it.  If anyone out there hasn't read The All Souls Trilogy (Discovery of Witches, Shadow of Night, The Book of Life) i recommend it so highly I don't have words.  I don't even need to recommend Harry Potter.  Everyone has either read it or committed not to ever.  So I won't waste my time.

I'm currently reading (listening to) The Dutch House by Ann Patchett.  It's very good and I only have like an hour and a half left on it.  It's read by Tom Hanks.  Which is lovely.  He has a great story teller voice.  So that's fine.   BUT I think he recorded all the chapter numbers first and then just read straight through.  Because no matter the tone of the chapters, on the chapter numbers he always sounds super excited and almost like they catch him off guard.   It's like Tom Hanks is reading the book and Woody is doing the chapter numbers. 

I am really liking it despite the over enthusiastic chapter breaks.

I have a framework in my head for my book actually.  It's really taken shape.   It's the detail I need to fill in and then get it put down. 

On a sad note, I had a favorite author all through my late teens and early twenties and I loved her and her mysteries.   It was only in the last 5 - 10 years I realized how predictable they were, but man, did I ever love Mary Higgins Clark.  I haven't read even half the books she's written, but I've read over 20 of them.   That's my dream.  Someday to have someone, anyone, sad that I died because I was such a part of one time of their lives or another.   Even if I never know.   They say whether you know it or not, you're someone's angel.   I don't know about that.   I also know they say that whether you know it or not you're the villain in someone's story.   That I know is true.   I did witness a car accident like the 23rd.  I did stay and comfort the woman who had a jackhole pull out right in front of her.  I did make her laugh.  I did give her a hug when she couldn't stop crying.   Maybe that's something.   Clearly I'm still wrestling with the whole, where do I fit in the universe question.   Which is not a topic for Amy Reads.    Maybe another time. 

Rest well, MHC.   Thanks for the stories. 

What a mess

I'm so sad today.   I had the day off today.  My day off ended 7 minutes ago as I write this.  I had plans for today.  I had a doctor's appointment that I was actually excited about.  I was going to go to the gym on my way home.  I wanted to write.  I wanted to work on finances.  And then?  About 8:30 this morning, the sickness started.  Until about an hour ago, I couldn't stray more than 25 feet from my home base toilet.   I had to scrap all the plans for the day and reschedule my doctor's appointment for President's Day.  My next day off.  It's just one of those things where you want to say, "Not today Satan!  I've got things to do!"  But when he tethers you to the loo, there's not much that can be done about it.   So I'm ridiculously down and trying to figure out how to salvage the next 6 hours before I have to go to bed and then to work tomorrow.   I could actually cry I'm so sad. 

Regarding my last post, I realized around midday on the 16th that paying to go to Zumba when I've already paid to go to the gym pretty much flies in the face of Save More.   I DID go to the gym the 16th.  I don't consider that as letting myself down.   More just not sabotaging one goal to achieve another when I have an alternate completely viable option that satisfies both. 

I'm so worn out now.  And probably dehydrated.  What a huge gigantic ball of suck today was. 

Tomorrow - 01/16/2020

I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.    I am going to Zumba tomorrow. I am going to Zumba tomorrow. I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow. I am going to Zumba.  I'm going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow. I am going to Zumba tomorrow. I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I'm going to Zumba tomorrow.  I'm going to Zumba tomorrow. I'm going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow. I'm going to Zumba tomorrow. I'm going to Zumba tomorrow. I'm going to Zumba tomorrow.  I'm going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow. I am going to Zumba tomorrow.  I am going to Zumba tomorrow. I am going to Zumba tomorrow. I'm going to Zumba tomorrow. 

I'm going to Zumba tomorrow.

That is all. 

I suppose an update is in order...

let me get my music sorted and then I'll dive in.   It's Phantom of the Opera.  I've been on a kick with it the past few days.  I don't know why. 

Ok. 

Weigh Less - I'm trying to stay within my ww points each day.   Well, "trying".  I can't say I'm giving it my solid best.  I send my dailies to a friend to try to stay accountable which helps, but I could definitely be putting in more effort.  I'm going to have to.  I think when I eventually have a sleep study done that I'm not going to have a choice.  I think it may be "Lose weight or potentially die in your sleep."  Why do things have to get to LITERAL life and death for me before I take action?  It's majorly forked up.  (Love me some The Good Place).  Also, I think when I get blood work done on Monday, it's going to come back and say I'm pre-diabetic.  Something that would also be fixed by eating better, exercising and just being less of a physically garbage person. 

Save More - I'm spending less.   Does that count?  I'm trying to figure out the best way to "save".  Put it into another account?  Take a certain about out of the bank and store it?  (Not doing this, don't rob me).  Throw money into my Roth IRA or my annuity?   I guess that depends on whether I'm saving it to spend it later, like on a cruise, or save it for when I'm 80.   I need to figure that out now that I know how much my pay is for this year. 

Social Media Less - Ok, so far, I'm succeeding most bigly on this one.  Facebook is off of my phone and I rarely get on it even in the evening for more than like 5 or 10 minutes.   So weird.  Something that sucked away so much of my time.   I'm still on Twitter and Insta, but neither of them was ever the time suck that I allowed it to become.

Write More - This is a mixed bag.   I'm creatively writing 3 - 4 times a week for 30 minutes or more.  It's not the 7 days I want to work up to, but it's way more that I've done ever and I do have a bit of a story forming.  I'm journaling when I remember (this is not often, last entry... the 6th).  And my last post here was 5 days ago. 

Weigh less and Write More are definitely where I need the most improvement.   Social Media Less seems to really be taking care of itself without having regular access to FB.  Save More needs to be fine tuned a bit but spending less is a huge first step. 

Weigh Less -  Y'all I am exhausted all the time.  Literally, all the time.  I had my pajamas on at 6 and will be climbing into bed when this is post is over.   I wanted to go to the gym 3 times a week.  I've missed the last 48 times.  I wanted to Zumba twice a week.  I went once.  I mean now.  I went lots when I went... before.   My husband asked if I slept better when I exercised.  And you know?  Probably.  I did everything better when I exercised, but I don't ever remember being so tired before I started exercising.  I had LITERALLY half the blood in my body I was supposed to and I feel more tired every day now than I did back then before surgery.  It's ridiculously frustrating.  Every day at some point during the day I'm like, I'll go to the gym after work.  Or I'll go to Zumba after work if it's a Zumba day.  But then I fight sleep all the way home and do not have it within me to get the dogs taken care of and then change and get my water ready and go.   Which is just DUMB.  Zumba is one hour of my life and it takes less than 10 minutes to get there.  8 minutes.  Less than 5 miles away.   And the gym?  That may even be closer.  It's not.   It's actually a full 10 minutes and a full 5 miles. And there are massage beds and chairs there.  Hello.   I DRIVE 66 MILES ROUND TRIP FOR WORK.  I can't drive 9 miles or 10 miles FOR MY HEALTH?  Seriously, there's something actually wrong with my brain, I think. 

I was going to talk more about Write More, but I think I'm just going to go to bed.   Ugh.