Liar, Liar

For the first quarter of 2020 my doctor's office is doing a wellness challenge.   I went and weighed in for it today.   I am 4.8 pounds heavier than what my previous heaviest weight ever was.   I'm just making everything harder on myself.  I used to need to lose 40 pounds.  Then 50.  Then 65.  I'm now at 92.8 pounds that I need to lose.   I'm such a self-sabotager.   I don't think I mean to be.   It's really upsetting.   And I get the whole healthy at any weight and happy at any weight and ok at any weight thing.   But I'm not healthy.  And I'm not happy.  And I'm not ok.    I know what I look like when I'm ok.  I know what size reflection makes me happy.  I know what I feel like when I'm ok.    I'm not ok.  I am not happy. 

And I hate the fact that there's no one to blame but me.  I know what I'm eating.  I know how much I'm not exercising and yet... AND YET...  I find it so ridiculously easy to believe my own lies about what I'm doing and how much I'm doing and then saying to myself, "I don't know WHY it's not working."  When I know why.  But I believe my own lies that I don't know why. 

Why am I so totally ok with deceiving myself?   I'm not ok with deceiving anyone else.  I don't lie to other people.  Being called a liar ever is like the worst way to insult me because I'm not one.  But maybe being called one upsets me so much because I AM one?   Just to myself.   At any rate, I'm seriously disappointed.