Round & Round & Round I Go

I started my 43rd trip around the sun today.   This post is probably going to be a bunch of blathering and dithering.  I just am so dissatisfied.   Not in a scary, we need to worry about her, kind of way.   Just in a, when this Covid thing is over I really need to think about my life kind of way.   Maybe I'll go into therapy.   I don't know.  

I don't follow through on anything.  I keep starting books and not finishing them, I keep trying to lose weight and not following through - EVEN when I find something that WORKS.  I just stop.  I can't even commit to using a planner to help me keep on track to accomplishing something.  Anything.  It was said to me today that I crochet.  I've completed nothing that wasn't for someone else.  I've roughly a dozen pieces in progress.  From days, weeks, years, DECADES ago.  

I've been working from home for six or seven weeks giving me loads of extra time and literally proving the excuses I make for not getting stuff done to be completely baseless and without merit.   Meaning it's just me.  I'm just apparently, completely lazy.   I seem to have literally NO self motivation and I don't know why.   Fear of failure?  Fear of success?  No self confidence or self esteem?   I have no idea.   Or I probably do.  It's probably all of it.   

I'm fine, like I'm not on a ledge or anything.   I'm just feeling really very insignificant.   I have so much life evaluating to do.   I need to get to the "why" behind all of this.   Why do I not complete things?  Why do I self-sabotage?  Why do I just not do things that I know need done?   There's got to be some universal why behind all of it and I've no idea what it is or how to figure it out.   I just keep letting time pass and having literally nothing to show for it.  The years keep going by faster and on this day every year I've got nothing to point to and say, Man!  I did THAT this year!   I always think, I'm going to do X this year and it's going to be great and next year I'll have something to show for the last 12 months.  And then I get here and I've still done nothing.   

It sucks.   It really does.  I know this is such a downer.   But I just want to be better.   I don't want another 12 months to pass me by and still have nothing to show for it.